the world.the girl.the clicks.the shouts.the memories. | |||||
darling dear, you're welcome here.
made like ice cream topped with honey but we got no money BANG BANG ;; we're beautiful & dirty richhh. |
Introspections and an addendum. [ musing ]
I have a brown corduroy body pillow on my bed. It's one of those things that the doctor says when you sleep on your side, if you tuck it between your arms and legs (essentially, if you hug it), it will prevent back problems later on. However, on my twin-sized bed in my dorm room, it takes up about 1/3 of the bed the way I had it lengthwise all year. Yesterday, I had packed one of my pillows up already in a packing box, so I shifted the body pillow up so I could rest my head on it ~ and instantly I noticed how damn big my twin-sized bed suddenly became. I've been complaining about the small bed for a while now, but the extra space the body pillow took up on the bed probably made up 3/4 of the problem. I have always been a bit oxymoronish in my persona and the way I perceive myself; depending on my mood, I can either be loud or quiet, boyish or girlish, sophisticated or lewd. But lying on my suddenly-bigger bed last night stretching out my limbs, I realized just how bad it's gotten to be this year. PartyGirl Summer is opinionated and outspoken, stays up all night dancing, is insanely judgmental in her red skinny jeans and vintage surround-sound headphones, and doesn't give a shit about what other people think. Then we have Artist Summer: introspective, a soul digger, underrated by everybody's standards, and sometimes quite elegant. Artist Summer is capable of achieving great things in her life, and PartyGirl Summer is just along for the ride and possibly to make some fun contacts along the way. This year, I have been dominated by miss PartyGirl. I don't blame it on the sudden obsession with Big Bang, because it would be a little bit pathetic and maybe too simple for my elaborate mind to stem all my problems down to one cause, or just five men who bring otherwise joy to the world, but ever since I stumbled upon their music I have been nonstop dancing in my head. It's all about the pounding bass and the strobe lights underneath my eyelids and the crave to be in that loud party atmosphere. But somewhere between the flickers of light and the sweat, I lost the artist in my head. No wonder my writing has sucked all year. I've been writing with my feet better suited to New York City sidewalks in high heels, with my fingers weighed down with Chanel rings and black chipped polish, with my halfhearted mind with electronica songs stuck in the brain and eyes halfway out the window wondering what I'm going to be doing this weekend. And no soul. Absolutely no soul. It doesn't mesh, and my writing has been empty. Artist Summer has been in hibernation since August 2008. Hopefully I fed her enough so she's just sleeping, not dead. Actually, I take that back. Writing, and creating music, and playing around with my pencils and charcoals is kind of like riding a bike (this coming from a person who doesn't know how to ride them without training wheels. Twenty and counting). It will always be stuck inside me, but the question is how rusty I am now, coming back to things after so long. I haven't read a real book outside of class assignments since last June. I haven't written anything of worth since at least that long. I look at pieces I wrote on my old blogspot, and the oneshots on fictionpress, and goodness I hope Artist will come back. I said on my last post that I was scared I was losing my edge. I haven't lost it, but for now it's stuck inside me too deep to be found, and I'm going to have to risk plunging my hand between the broken pieces of champagne glasses and neon nylon and maybe fight Party Girl until I can find the artist again. One step at a time, yea? Every night right before I go to bed, I'll listen to a few tunes on my iPod, the earbuds in my ears while I stare into the darkness of my ceiling and the DayGlo Stars. For as long as I can remember, I've been playing upbeat music with heavy bass and screaming voices, Big Bang, Lady Gaga, Perfume, 3oh!3 - basically everything that does NOT help a person ease into sleep (but thank god I sleep like a rock regardless what I listen to ;) ). Before I came into any of these revelations yesterday, I asked a friend to recommend some Fang Datong and Anson Hu to me because I was bored of my iTunes. And last night as I stuck the buds into my ears and turned my iPod on, all I wanted to listen to was those two guys, even though it is the polar opposite of my previous listenings. Listening to Khalil and Anson, it sounds completely cliche but I started thinking up all these new ideas and ways to maybe help me with my future pursuits. My fingers were actually tingling; even though it was past 4 in the morning and I had just shut my macbook off, I wanted to open it again and start jotting (no wonder I am an insomniac). And that must be an indicator that I'm on the right path... right? So I haven't lost all hope yet. With the right music, and time, and perhaps new books and experiences and food (who knows?), I might get my mojo back. break me out tonight, i wanna see the sunrise anywhere but here, oh, come with me, this could be the only chance we get, we gotta take it... On another topic, I was browsing some friends blogs yesterday, and I came across somebody who actually quoted me on what I said in Grapefruit Genius and said I was inspiring. Me, inspiring? Really? It got me to thinking again because this girl, Kyla, is having trouble with a certain somebody named Jiro Wang disturbing her everyday life and isn't exactly sure how to go about meeting him. She called me a dreamer. Definitely Artist Summer talking, though a lot of my dreams are tainted with Fahrenheit lately which is Party Girl's territory (I love how I've resorted to speaking about myself in the third person, and like I'm schizo. Nice.). I definitely am a dreamer, possibly one of the biggest dreamers you will ever meet in this life or the next one. I've always been told the sky's the limit, and that's what I go by. The possibilities are endless, and you've seen people from the humblest backgrounds make something great out of themselves: Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, the very same Jiro Wang, my own father. Why box yourself in? Someone named Margaret once said we aren't afraid that we are weak and feeble-minded; instead, we are afraid that we are great and powerful beyond measure, that we are scared of our own beauty and what we can accomplish if we tried (and I'm sure I butchered that quote, but it is one of my favorites). It's frightening to believe sometimes, but I do believe it. I am scared of my own power... but at the same time, believe I can do anything if I put my mind to it. And doesn't it start with a dream? That said, however, there is a delicate balance between dreaming and doing, and you need to be both a dreamer and a doer to get anything and everything you want. First, have the faith in yourself and that you are not just another faceless person in the crowd, but that God put you on this Earth to truly be somebody. Second, go out and just... do it. If you already have the first step downpat, then the world better look out, because you will be something beautiful, you will be somebody who does great things. Keep your wishes and hopes and dreams on a star you look out to for direction when you've lost your way like those wise men did all those years ago. They found what - or who - they were looking for in the end. You can too. If everybody stopped pitying themselves everytime they encountered a struggle or a fall, and instead took it in stride as something else they can look back at and say, "I got through that too", wouldn't the world be just full of AWEsome people? I still stand by what I said a couple years ago, that I should sit back and let whatever's meant to happen, happen. But if I am a passive person who leaves it all up to fate alone and does nothing to help herself, fate's not going to like me. Whatever's meant to happen will pass me by. There is such a push-and-pull with this. I hope I've at least learned that much this year. /motivational speaker At the same time, I realize how deep of an obsession to the point of obsession I have with, yes, Fahrenheit. Le sigh. Look at this blog. Look at over half my iPhoto library. Look at my most played list on iTunes (er, actually, that's probably Big Bang and Lady Gaga at the moment). Delve into my very twisted head. Last night, upon a point of existentialism, I wondered, what was the point? It is awesome they are driving me to work even harder towards my goal of becoming VJ like Patty Hou, but why should they even be a reason? Why am I living half-vicariously through them when I haven't even stepped within a country towards them? I am wasting my life away, and for what? Four celebrities that while fabulously attractive and such down-to-earth nice guys and probably the most deserving of my fangirly love, don't even know I exist? For the first time in my life, I have finally seen myself from a third-party observer. And I'm kind of sad, especially as I have just talked about being great and beautiful and not just another somebody, but right now as another rabid fangirl in the crowd, I am treating myself like one. I don't want to pine away for Fahrenheit. If I meet Jiro, awesome. If not, I shouldn't feel like my life has no point anymore. I should want to be a VJ in Taiwan for my own right, for the pure joy of doing something I want instead of in the possibility that I "could meet Jiro". I don't want my life to be a mistake. It better not be, since I'm halfway through my Broadcast Journalism career to train for this VJ job at the #1 journalism school in the country. Celebrities are such a dangerous crowd of people. They make and break regular Joe/Joanna the Plumbers all over the world. I want from now on to stop being so ridiculous about Fahrenheit. If they were to decrease to how I view Big Bang in my head, just another group of guys I am happy to support but wouldn't have a heart attack over if one of them freaking kissed a girl in some show, that would be great. They've filled such big part of my life that if I were to decrease the fangirl swelling, I wouldn't know what to do with that part of myself. Maybe that was originally where Artist Summer went before I squeezed her out. Interesting. But I don't know, maybe this will all be forgotten soon. At the end of the day, I still smile when I see a cute picture of Aaron. Jiro is still my wallpaper on my cell phone. I'm not going to delete any of my Fahrenheit pictures or graphics or stop making them or stop thinking about Donglun. So maybe this is all moot, but perhaps this is just a step in the right direction, like everything else I have posted about so far. Kyla, however, I want to say thank you in return for making me think so avidly about myself. You are part of the reason I snapped myself awake again, and that's such a good thing to know. I hope you will come to realize what I have and live your life to the fullest and grab your dreams. ;) So much writing o_o. Ugh. I have never been great at combining Party Girl and Artist together, and both of them are splashed on this page all over the place despite my efforts to just be one person. But I'll probably always be this way. Despite all the quashing I've done on Party Girl, I don't hate her. In fact, she makes me very individualistic and not a pushover, hardwon after many, many rough patches. I've just let her take the reigns for too long, and Party Girl is just a party girl; she really has no direction in life, just how to deal with things when life hits me hard. Fifty-fifty. That's what I got after I moved my body pillow from my side to my head, and what has been swirling through my brain all today. Dare I say it: the artist is back! At least, coughing weakly and opening her eyes a little. It's a start. Perhaps Mister Khalil Fong said it best: Three cheers for the reincarnation of the artist. I'll let you know how it goes. Home tomorrow....... x summer Labels: musing On Tuesday, May 05, 2009 at 1:02:00 PM |
the girl.
I'm Meichen Yu. I'm Summer Yu. I'm Chen. I'm Winter.I'm a 20 year old Chinese (fan)girl from Denver, Colorado, who goes to New York for university. I'm a broadcast journalism major hoping to work in Taiwan as a variety show host after graduation. I love my family of 100+. I've played piano since I was 5 (had it beat into me, more like) and guitar, I charcoal and sketch, and I write fiction. I Photoshop too much. I keep up with fashion, use shopping as cardio, love experimenting with makeup, and go dancing a lot. I am attached to my iPod, love and breathe music, and own too many faded concert tshirts. I dress eclectically; I have polos, suspenders, bright dresses, African print, and Converse lace-up boots in my closet. I'm a walking oxymoron. I can be chill and laid-back and go-with-the-flow and I can also be very passionate and headstrong. I'm girly but emotionally I'm a bit like a man. I'm rather blunt and oblivious and incredibly insensitive. I have a low man-voice and I use it to tell it like it is. I'm a huuuuge EPL (English Premiere League) fan and World Cup fanatic. I can't understand why America is the only country who doesn't see soccer (FOOTBALL) for the beautiful game it is. It's pretty much the only sport I keep up with. Also, I'm a huuuge Asian celebrity fangirl. Fahrenheit, in particular Jiro and Aaron, are my weak spot, though Big Bang ranks as a close second by sheer force of talent. I love Donglun slash. (I also love Reno/Cloud slash.) Often times when I'm walking around listening to my iPod I will daydream a whole music video (with me in them most of the time) in my head as a song plays. Other times I will imagine whole Taiwanese Dramas and cast all the characters. I believe my whole life thus far can be accurately summed up by The Googoo Doll's Dizzy Up the Girl album, hence the blog title. I also hope my future life (with Jiro) will be able to be summed up by Cheer Chen's discography. I eat too much, sleep erratically and usually during the day, party hard, and work my ass off. I have a short attention span and am pretty good at wasting time. Sometimes I get worried that nobody understands my strange self but most of the time I'm not concerned with working too hard at making friends because if it's meant to be, it will stick. I dream big and believe my life will follow as such. If you box your possibilities into a small space, your life will only be mediocre. God gave us dreams and the means to make them come true; use them. I love my good and fearful God. I'm excited to see where life takes me. I'm excited to be alive. :). I'm terrible at summing myself up in these things. |
the clicks.
Lovelyable @ Livejournal [ graphics, fiction, fangirling ] belle.nisce @ Fictionpress [ original fiction ] |
the shouts.
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the memories: titles.
Introspections and an addendum. [ musing ] the memories: months.
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the livejournal / the nocturne / the fictionpress |